Lately I've been asking theNoo for a kiss ("NO") then a Cuddle ("NO") then a series of fives from different directions (eg High, Low, Side, 3/4 etc), which typically receive a NO!
And so it was in the car when we were coming back from the shops.
'When we get home ... can I have a kiss?'
'NO!'
'A cuddle?'
'NO!'
'A high five?'
'NO?'
'How about a tattoo?'
'... yeah ... let's doo dat!'
Gold.
He's in a big boy bed now. We heard a squawk of dismay coming from his room so we went to check. Read more »
I had the sit down today with the old boss and the new to discuss moi and my many health failings. It was a positive discussion and at the end of the day it was more about 'what can we do to help' rather than 'Mikey sucks'.
Still I dislike talking about myself and I had to cop to being on anti depressants for pain management. It made me feel like I was weak or something. Which is a dopey way to think. I guess in part because the last time I was openly candid in the workplace about health failings it cost me a job in a kewl area.
So now the new boss is officially my new boss. And to her credit she has a keen interest in how I do my job and knows more about the kind of work that I do than anyone who has ever been my boss ever. It may be interesting times; Chinese style and it should be noted that in crisis is opportunity. Or as Homer said ... a Crisertunity.
I started getting the SMH about 15 years ago on Mondays. For ... the weekly TV guide. Remember, this is before the internet was available in my house.
Then ... I started reading the actual news part.
Then I got it on weekends. And, until I had the internet on my work machine, I got the daily SMH as well.
So now, for the hard copy, I only get the weekend paper. Which makes me another small part as to why newspapers are a dying business model.
But I only ever read or use about 40%: The main paper, The Good Weekend Supplement (theWife and I do the quiz together), Spectrum, and News Review. The rest goes into recycling - either the yellow lid wheelie bin or down to the cat basket for lining the litter tray. Read more »
There's a moment of bliss when you sink into a bath where it's hot enough to elicit said 'ahhhh' but not so hot as to give your balls discomfort*. It's pure joy. Sure it lasts just a moment, a fleeting moment at that, but a wise man once said if you're depressed then learn to like these small moments because that's all the fuck you have now.
Anyway, I realised this week that ABC 2 now also carried The Daily Show. The Daily Show ... followed by the Colbert Report.
Ahhhh indeed. And ya bo sucks to anyone that doesn't understand just how fucking awesome that is. I suspect you're the sort of person that goes to bed at 8 in a sensible nightie**
*Not sure if this likewise applies to the girls - do ladies have to be wary of their descending flappage lest their sensitive skin folds are seared by the scalding fluids? Read more »
Not my mum, theNoo's mum.
TheNoo has small airways on account of being small - so when chest infections happen they're worse. That's what we thought was the case ... but his breathing got laboured so into casualty we went. He had lots of ventolin, was there overnight, then for another night getting tests to see how his O2 levels were travelling. It was a fucked time to be honest and highlights included him yakking on the floor, me holding him down as he screamed blue murder to cram a mask over his face, and me being abused by some fuckwit behind me when I was doing the speed limit added to which was their dangerously swerving out from behind me to turn off ... which caused me to lose my shit and chase them honking my horn like a fucking madman as the red mist descended over me*.
Anyway, theWife stayed by his side all night with no sleep and through the next day as well. The first sleep she got was in the fold out chair next to his bed. Read more »
When a presidential administration passes on into the night, inevitably there's a rash of books from administration players that come out in its wake; memoirs, auto-biographies, biographies, and of course defensive screeds designed to absolve them of acute moral failings during their time in office.
Marc Thiessen is no exception, releasing a book titled "Courting Disaster" which claims Obama is going easy on the muzzys and he should man up and grab some electrodes.
The fact that I lived at a time on this planet through eight years of a presidency that was PRO-TORTURE still boggles the fucking mind. Honestly, when the cold war was in its dying days I genuinely thought 'well ... at least that sort of behaviour is just going to occur in those unpleasant tinpot dictatorships which will eventually pass in time.' Instead 911 proved to be the catalyst for all the horrid knuckle-dragging hang-em-high fuckwads that had been littering right wing think-tanks and waiting for their fucking time to horridly shine. Read more »
I guess he got this from daycare but lately, when we ask him if he wants to do (insert thing here), and he's up for it, he responds with '...okay, let's doo dat.'
Gold.
In the excellent show Friends, and yes - it was excellent, there was one ep that featured the concept of being allowed to boik up to five celeb's, without relationship impact, should the op present itself. Naturally Ross had his laminated, after erring and umming on who he should have on it, only to then lose out on a virtually zero chance to nail Isabella Rossilini because he ultimately dropped her pre-laminate then proceeded to run into her.
Funny fucking stuff. Okay, you had to be there.
As semi-regular punters know, I recently came out of the hugs closet and - despite a feverish love of the ladies and all their secreting parts - admitted that if I was going to be hugged by a man in some sort of caring spoon-like posish, it'd be sorta okay if that man was Daniel Craig. Indeed I labelled this non-sexual man on man close confines action as 'dude spooning'. Read more »
It's a little known fact that dudes like to hang brain. Not so much the intentional covert display of testicles to the unwary, but to be naked and to have them dangling free and clear of confinement.
I guess that's why so many dudes go boxers or commando.
There is a feeling of groinal bliss when you disrobe and your scrot peels away from your leg where it stuck like those jelly plastic hands you get in show bags. This feeling of freedom down there is a blessed relief - especially if you've been a bit sweaty.
In our house, when theNoo is all tackle out, we have a little song. Which, naturally, goes to the theme of nosin' around.
Testicle free time, testicle free time - doo, doo. Testicle free time, testicle free time - doo, doo. etc. Read more »
We're big on liquid soap in this house. It's more hygienic. Solid bars have issues man, though I admit I still use one in the shower and new soap bar day is a happy day in this household because you're less likely to lose a grip on it like you would a sliver in your soaped up southern groin forest.
Anyway, the other day I used the sink liquid soap to write 'I (heart) U' on the vanity mirror. You can't see it when the mirror is dry, but when it fogs with shower steam, there it is.
When theWife saw it, she added a '2' to the end.
Aw... pity she had to tell me 'cos I didn't notice.
Area man romance fail.
I am like a piquant cheese ... in that I am an acquired taste. I admit it, I often stream-of-conscious babble about stuff that is of interest to me and minimal interest to others. I will think of funny things to say, judge the consequences of saying them, then say them the fuck anyway.
So as a piquant now older balding gent I occasionally rub people up the wrong way. I try not to. I dislike confrontation, loathe arguments. I'm more happy to walk away from a disagreement or stifle my opinion than die in a ditch over details almost every time. Life is too short to make enemies or endure shouty tense arguments.
But ... any idiot can go through life making no enemies. I think once someone said you could judge a man by the quality of his opponents. That's neither here nor there. Read more »
Jimoein, the transplanted Irish comedian in Australia, once had a bit about going bald. He said, 'have you noticed when you start balding, people come up to you and say 'you're going bald' - like you hadn't noticed. Then you think ... two can play at this game ... and you cut your hair short.'
My grandfather, mother's side, was a short fat tummied man who was bald at 27. Guess whose genes I got ... including the one for acute recurring abdominal pain?
Out of my brothers, I am about nearly a foot shorter. In family photos I am a dip. I once got hand-me-ups.
So in addition to weight, gut pain, and height - I also suffer baldness. In 97 I had an arse-long pony-tail. Then the spot started. Now, 13 years on, there is a small segment of frontal thinning hair, but the small bald spot did a Germany V Poland and gave me effectively a reverse mohawk. Read more »
Ever since a biracial man with a funny name moved into the big house, elements on the US fringe have gone nuts - much like ants do when, as a kid, you stomp across a giant network of ants nests*.
This Washington Post piece likens to what is happening now in the US political landscape to what happened under Clinton - only worse. Read more »
'So, if you've read a bad business book, or know about the sale of human bodies, we'd like to know...'
Pompeii, Italy: Tired of being type-cast as a victim of nature’s fury, noted volcanic husk of a Pompeii victim said he will be leaving the display at the on-site museum and pursuing a long held dream of ventriloquism.
‘I know I have a talent at representing the morbid remains of a cataclysmic event that can barely be conceived by a living mind – the horror of being suffocated as the result of dense choking ash, which even as it killed you then settled over your body, perfectly recording your body’s shape even as fleshy remnants rotted away. But, like an actor doomed facing another five year contract to play the part of a beloved character after 20 years on a provincial soap, I have reached the end of my tether.’
The volcanic ash husk of a Pompeii victim said that it had been developing an act for some years now and, following a third placing at a local talent show, decided that it was a sign to jump. Read more »
A BBC reporter heads on down south to talk to Americans about why they oppose Obama. An interesting listen. A very scary, very sad, but very interesting listen.
See the link to the BBC Reports here.
Apparently the Tea Party is polling ahead of the Republicans. Jesus wept.
When you're just wearing PJ bottoms, and you have them Harry High, do you ... do you feel like Obelix?
Yeah ... you know you do.
Back in the states, an appeals court has ruled that the 1st amendment does not cover the right to play D&D in the big house.
See the story here.
According to the NY Times "Prison officials said they had banned the game at the recommendation of the prison’s specialist on gangs, who said it could lead to gang behavior and fantasies about escape."
The prison's specialist. On gangs.
Does this specialist have his head inside an Umber Hulk? On what fucking planet is he on that he thinks that tossing D20s across the canteen table is going to encourage gang activity?!
Oh, and apparently officials said playing D&D could “foster an inmate’s obsession with escaping from the real-life correctional environment, fostering hostility, violence and escape behavior.” Read more »
TheNoo is developing in leaps and bounds. He's getting a lot more agile, dangerously climbing things like rope nets at play-gyms and, today, when advised of a future nappy change got up on a chair, on the table, crawled along and assumed the lying down position for the bum check.
His language skills are also coming together. It's still mostly short word questions like 'Milk?!', or 'PlaySchool?!' or 'Bobdabuilder?!', but more and more he's delivering short sentences. For example if he gives me a story he's heard before, such as five minutes ago when he got me to read it, and I (being bored) attempt to read it in a stupid voice or make up a completely different version of Spot helps his mum where the little pup becomes a flinty eyed space marine packing a six foot death-ray, he will admonish me with 'speak poplee!' Read more »
My boss is training me with some 'holy shit, I NEVER knew about that?!' software capabilities. She said I was her grasshopper.
I mentioned this at an off-site meeting to attendees ... people who met my boss for the first time that day.
Me?
'Yeah ... my boss is training me to know more about this stuff ... I'm Darth Grasshopper ... Hey that sounds like a DJ name ... DJ Darth Grasshopper ... yeah ... sorry ... random firing neurones ... which ... incidentally was an 80's cover band I was in .... I just played tambourine .... I was the sexy bit of totty that stood at the side.'
What. The fuck?!
At that point new boss mercifully intervened with a semi-nervous laugh and said next meeting she'd bring along a gag.
Naturally I said 'Ball gag?' Read more »
It appeared, wraith-like, on the Monaro highway as we drove home. A beat up old white sedan - a commodore I think.
It's front passenger flicked ash from a lit cig onto the darkened highway. Its bumper was held onto the car by packing tape - artfully arrayed around the back and sides.
And the words Dubbo Spec were stuck on the rear windscreen ... in Chiller font.
Yes, Chiller font. The font developed for serial killers.
That's a fucked up car.
Would a person with the surname Munchenberg be subconsciously considered to be a superior cunnilingust without the benefit of reliable metrics to prove so?
I suspect they would.
Bright eyes,
Burning like fire.
Bright eyes,
How can you close and fail
How can the light that burned so brightly
Suddenly burn so pale?
Bright eyes.
Supposition: That Chinese food gives me incredible gut pain the following day.
Proof: The second last time I ate Chinese I went to hospital the next day with acute gut pain. Also, right now, I am in acute pain. And er ... I ate Chinese food last night...
Assessment: Jesus fucking Christ, stop eating Chinese food already (mentally smacks self over the head with a rolled up newspaper).
PS Thai food, no problems. What's up with that?
Do kids, and their music (shakes fist), do they even still use Shiznay?
Anyhoo, someone had sent me a link to the graphic themed story on this site ages back. Then, I think this week Crikey blog spotted it after the author's run in with the SA plods.
So, one afternoon this week, I clicked through some of the most recent entries.
It got to the point where I was laughing so hard that the laughter became silent, the only sign of my hilarity being upper body convulsions, chest shudder, and tears rolling down my face.
Kudos, David Thorne, kudos.
Yes, I know, it's a given that The Daily Show pwns FOX, as this occurs almost every broadcast, but this is an especially good pwning.
Stewart was bollocking their complete lack of journalistic balance by pointing out their "news" broadcast was as opinionated as the "opinion" shows on the 24-7 news arm of FOX.
Meygan Kelly apparently has the 12pm slot (in the "News" time period), and Stewart played a montage of her overt partisan bull-dust-courtesy-of-travelling-behind-a-cattle-truck-in-summer.
Stewart noted that FOX could be conceivably be considered balanced if, on opposing media channels, the standard fare was this... Read more »
The other day my boss advised 'we need to have a talk later'. It was about my rubbery attendance.
I was shitting bricks all day, right up until close of business when the talk occurred.
The office door was closed, and the boss sat down. I was dreading this.
But instead of a spray and disappointment, he simply asked what was wrong. So it all came out. The pain, the insomnia, the impact pain laced fatigue had - all of it. And he was cool and understanding about it.
However, I really wish that had just happened - bandaid style - when he announced it instead of making me wait with the sick to the stomach dreads.
The Megalodon is a prehistoric uber shark. Like stupidly large Jaws-the-shark in size. It could swallow you whole. If, you know, it still existed. I think there's even a disaster movie out there, theWife calls those 'Dee-SASTERS!', where a Megalodon takes on a giant squid. Yep, there it is, though they had to call it Mega-shark in case the audience didn't get what a Megalodon was. Reminds me of when the excellent Brit Film 'The Madness of King George the Third' was renamed to drop "the third" off the end in case the Yanks though it was the second sequel.
Megalodon sounds a lot like Mega-Vom. Which is exactly what theNoo did on the weekend. He coughed twice then erupted a fountain of half digested tomato, milk, and stomach acid all over theWife's prized Aldi-sourced $200 throw rug and the surrounding carpet. Read more »
As heard between pieces on today's classic FM
'I was going to tell you the time, but - after listening to that - I don't think I'll bother.'
Right on man!
If theNoo is naked, or sees us near-naked or all, he'll often announce with a cheeky smile, and sometime point,... 'Nudey Rudey'.
Teehee.
The other day theWife ate his left overs. I said 'mummy honked your dinner.'
TheNoo?
'Mummy ... honker.'
Gold.
And, if I am reading a story where he doesn't like my fake accent (usually a loud obnoxious Jamaican rip off of Plugger the repair truck from Roary the Racing Car), he will gently put his hand on my cheek and say 'read ... poplee.'
Aw...
In the states they recently had the CPAC - the Conservative something something gab fest where angry righties front up and blame Democrafts and soft-cock Republicans for the nation's woes. I went on the media matters website and caught some of Glen Beck, noted Fox front man / resident uber crazy, in full tinfoil hat flight. In Oz he'd either be relegated to talk radio only. or be institutionalized.
Peter Hartcher writing in the SMH commented about the similarities between conservatives in lock-step attack mode / no compromise in both US and Australian politics. He also raised the idea of the Tea Party movement getting a start here. Then a friend told him it had already been and gone. Read more »
I'm a singer. No, not a singer in a pleasing to an audience kind. The nonsense kind. I sing shit, make up silly ditties, or set new words to old music. Often this is prompted by something I've heard or read.
Whilst I was tooling down the Monaro highway, news came in that Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar, number two with a bullet in the Tally me bananas ranks, had been picked up.
There's this song where the nonsense words that arm up between the choruses go "da dee dahbi da" (no, not Blue).
A few seconds later my singin' brain kicked in with Mullah Bar-a-dar ... Mullah Bar-a-dar ... Mullah Bar-a-dar ... etc. Read more »
Wall in 70’s Décor house: The second flying duck has said that it is tired of the rear most duck looking up its cloaca - the posterior opening that serves as the only such opening for the intestinal, reproductive and urinary tracts of certain animal species, such as ducks.
‘My damn cloaca is my own damn business,’ said second duck. ‘Yet I can feel its beady eyes boring in on my one stop shop hole.’
Second duck said while he did not fear being molested, since the cork-screw nature of the duck’s cloaca is such that, unless the cloaca is relaxed, then unwanted intrusion is impossible, he nonetheless felt like he was being objectified as nothing more than a flying glory hole. Read more »
McClusky household; Erin McClusky, nine, said she will no longer ask soft-spoken mother of her father, Edna McClusky, to repair her toys following the latest neo-realistic depiction performed by the elderly long fingered matriarch.
‘I asked NanNan to fix my bear, Andy, as he had a sore tummy [stuffing protruding from his stomach]. When NanNan returned him, she’d put a strip of ribbon over the wound and said it was a tissue.’
When asked about the maintenance, Edna had said that the ribbon was satin and represented a settled scar.
‘When you have a scar for a long time, and your body changes shape, then the scar tissue can expand forming a long, thick ribbon like streak on the flesh. This streak of aging scar has similar feel and texture to the rubber of saggy near-dead balloon when you run your finger along the ancient wound,’ said Edna in her soft-spoken voice, saying Satin best represented this in textile form. Read more »
There's changes afoot in my workplace. I am getting a new boss shortly. The old boss didn't leave, they just slotted a new boss between us and him. Which is fair enough - they needed a specialist for the sort of work we do to properly oversight it. That being said my current boss is a very smart, passionate, dedicated person and I admit to taking the long way around to avoid passing his doorway in case he called me in to assign work or give me needed positive constructive feedback.
Yes, I know, pathetic.
Anyway, today we met our new boss, ahead of her eventual posting in to the slot.
I have to admit there was some trepidation. I was about 1/5th into my daily walk when I realised she was coming in and hot to hotfoot it back to work. I spent two minute padding the sweat off my balding plate because I didn't want to inflict her with a florid sweaty balding hair sticking up licked a light socket visage. Read more »
Yes ... you feel so good ... snuggly bound within the rubbery feeling skin of my outer ear. But I will have you... I will.
Finally, I have pulled it out. I twizzle it between forefinger and thumb, then ... poof ... waft it into the air with a short breath.
Yes ... an entire week ... that's all I have to say.
Best of luck to those attempting self-improvement. Rock on mah tasty bruthas!
Zoolander is one of my all time favourite movies. Great lines, excellent comedic acting, hilarious actors etc. Awesome stuff.
One of the plot points was "Derelicte", a fashion show that lures Derek Zoolander back to the runway. Derelicte was basically ... homeless wear.
I'm not sure if the people at this fashion house were aware of Derelicte ... but I am sure they are now.
Wow. Life follows art, again.
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