I have to admit to a certain expressive 'ha ha' when Fred Nile was revealed to have had his office computers used to surf p0rn sites.

The famously bushy eyebrowed one - has he not heard of a Brazilian? - has spent countless years thundering in denunciation of man and woman's joy and seeing the other naked and ready to get bizay.

I can see that. What happens between consenting adults with their bodies, or those who third party view such action in the privacy of their home, is completely Fred's business. Read more »

Tomorrow we have a Bacchanalian Spring Festival at work. Well, the food and drink part at least. Yes, the freshly decided Casual Friday with a floral motif will launch itself upon the work horseshoe and Mr Hawaiian shirt will make his appearance.

As I opened the cupboard this morning to get ready for work I saw Mr Hawaiian lurking there. To mind unbidden came this scenario.

Naturally I put this in an email and sent it to L, new boss and the new girl M, whose idea this festival was.

As I approached my wardrobe for my work shirt I noticed the door was slightly ajar. Curious, I opened it. At that point my Hawaiian shirt leaped from the hanger and tried to engulf my torso like the black alien gunk from Spiderman 3.

'Back,' I shouted to my shirt. 'No, it's is not your time! Friday, Friday my pet.' Read more »

We recently had a naval gaze session. As noted recently the public service has a massive heart symbol for governance. It's at the core, or should be, of everything we do. Because at the end of the day we have to justify everything we do do. Which is how it should be.

However it can be, and is, an embuggerance. There’s multiple signatures required, project briefs needed to pitch projects, a lengthy approvals / clearance process and so forth. Again, it’s the price we pay for governance – and it’s one of the reasons that Australia is one of the least corrupt countries in the world.

The other thing we’re big on is metrics, which is part of governance. Metrics being standards by which we can measure ourselves and which provides useful information on our performance. Read more »

(Sung to the tune of My Way)

I had the first of my proper breath tests today. The first one was to determine Hydrogen Vs Methane as the metric, with Methane pulling out a surprise victory over Table of Elements No 1, against the odds.

Today was the lactose test.

I had to drink a solution - about 250 mls - that was loaded with lactose sugars. About equiv to the lactose in a litre of milk apparently. Given my propensity to become farty and bloated if I even look at a carton of milk I was somewhat worried about the impending pain response, especially as I couldn't take pain killers during the test. I told him that if he came out into the waiting room to find me that I may be in the hall farting into a pot plant. I figured it could use it. Read more »

Baker's Delight thin sliced fresh white bread is the shizzle. So tasty, so delish, and when toasted ... mmmm.

Except I am on fast two. Which means no diet coke. When means I have nothing but water to wash the toast down with.

And the toast is sitting like a fetid lump in my tummy.

Actually I wrote Timmy initially. Which implies I have some sort of basement dwelling food tasting gimp residing below my house that I test my food on. Timmy, not the house.

No ... no Timmy. My Tummy.

Anyway, it's a horrible feeling and a reminder than just because something is delicious and enticing, it's a neddy no a lot of the time.

Toast ... once again another one of my many dark mistresses. Read more »

You know when you're watching a drama and a character has done something newsworthy and they're watching TV and see a story about themselves?

I always thought 'man, that would be surreal to happen in real life.'

Recently I wrote a report. Some of it got quoted in a news bulletin.

It was surreal!

I have a pain blast from eating a pasta bake. My suspicions of its cheesiness should have been aroused by the oil that settled in the bowl.

I have made myself a poster to look at when I feel the urge to chow into a cheesy dish.

I am a creature of comfort and predictability. When I read The Hobbit for the first time, even with my love of fantasy and sci-fi, I couldn't but help feel Bilbo had received a bum steer from Gandalf. That Bilbo was being forced into a life of unwanted questing - and in the company of Dwarves no less. Indeed I was utterly entranced by the description of Bilbo’s burrow, with the many rooms, comfortable chambers, well stocked larder and the like.

I wantee’d!

So when it comes to trying new things, adventures, different ways of achieving outcomes, and all of that, I tend to be hesitant. Even a little OCD about it.

I no wantee. Read more »

Tony Abbott today declared that because Labor is undergoing a period of sometimes bitter introspection, that only he, Tony, Mr People Skills, can offer the people a stable collegial government.

Mr Abbott also ridiculed "the civil war" raging inside Labor. He argued there was widespread disunity in Prime Minister Julia Gillard's ranks - and this underscored the Coalition's claims of having the best case for stable government.

He said "only the Coalition" - which, like Labor, looks certain to need the support of the three independent MPs - could offer a reformed Parliament. Read more »

Whilst I was watching the returns come in at our lovely friends' place, I was texting various interested parties.

Casso, Duckus, M my nerdy PBEM bud, and El who I used to work with, now lives in Sydney, but came down to the tally room for the night.

Quips were firing fast and thick. I called M a c___ for voting liberal, he knows it was wrong, and Duckus said it was my fault this went pear shaped because he suspected I voted for the greens. When Labor was stuck on 69 seats in the count El complained that the 69 had now been ruined for her.

When Wyatt Roy came on the ABC teev , the 20 year old maverick from QLD, all of us collectively groaned at his high voice and overly youthful appearance (I admit to a case of the tall poppies there - you have to hand it to him that if he gets the seat he fucking earned it).

At that point Casso texted the following. Read more »

Well Maxine McKew lost Bennelong. It seems however it was mainly a result of social housing being an issue - with Alexander running around screaming about how nasty pensioners in blocks of flats were coming. Not quite muzzies on boats but I can see how a Zimmer frame wielding granny spending 20 minutes to cross perpendicular to your property would lower the values.

And I confess that in terms of skill set match ups ditching McKew with her 30+ years as a journalist for the ABC and The Bulletin, as well as being by all accounts a tremendous local member, for Alexander ... who ... played tennis once ... seems on the surface an odd choice. But, well there you go.

When they crossed to McKew last night I think the ABC were hoping for a Kernot style dummy spit. She didn't. She went into journalist mode and gave a brief but skilled assessment of the ALP fuckup for this election and the fact that abandoning the CPRS cost it on a matter of principle. I think her criticisms were perfectly valid and I'm glad she said it. Read more »

I got dropped of the way home so I could go vote at the local school. Like last time there was a sausage sizzle and drinks being sold. But it was overcast and cold and most were shivering as they stood outside.

Despite being a paid up member of the ALP I prefer my own voting and eschew how to vote cards. So to avoid the spruikers I stomped across the garden bed - sorry school.

I lined up for about 10 minutes. In that time a silver tail Lib supporter in his L is for Liberal jacket kept coming into the voting booth area. I complained to one of the people suggesting it was inappropriate but they didn't believe me.

Then I left and walked home.

The thing that upset me the most was those plastic posters the Libs had in streams tied to fences screaming '100 Million a day'. Then 'More X!' and 'More Y!' along the footer. One of them was 'More Boats!' Read more »

Recently I entered my building ahead of two tech dickheads with their trolleys littered with IT bits.

I knew, I KNEW, that if I didn't get ahead of them and get a lift to myself they'd try and cram in with me.

I got to the lift, the doors opened, I entered and stabbed the door close button. Then ... the doors opened again. I stabbed door close again ... half way ... then back open.

Yep, there they were, standing gormlessly in front of the doors. It was a small outer lift too so guess what, no fucking room for everyone.

I snarled 'I'll go the stairs' then stomped off muttering loudly about 'IF YOU SEE THE FUCKING DOORS CLOSE WAIT FOR THE NEXT FUCKING LIFT'.

Un-fucking believable.

I was so steamed I stormed up the stairs and actually ended up above them by the time they were jostling their trolleys out. Read more »

TheNoo and I have a series of games, developed over the three years we've been together. There's ChaseMe!, Bed Rumble, Hide/Seek, various bath games featuring exploding bath toys and shoe fetish sharks and the like.

Another classic is the 'push sleeping daddy off the couch'. TheNoo sends me to sleep with a snore noise then, as I am sleeping, slips behind me and attempts to roll me off. Then he yells for me to wake up and I am startled to find myself on the floor. He laughs then tells me to go to sleep again.

All good narcoleptic themed fun.

As any parent knows, when you have a tot, your house becomes a sea in which scattered are islands of toys. Islands you have to either destroy by picking up or morph the landscape by sweeping them out of the way. Sometimes you just leave them there and have to step around them like they're caltrops. Read more »

One of the many successes of the bible had in gaining its hold on Western European derivied cultures was that it used the frame story technique - the story within a story. The bible was the story of God, then the New Testament was the story of Jesus. But within the New Testament were stories as told by Jesus, or parables. The Good Samaritan, the one with the talents, etc and so forth.

Parables work because within the construct of a story they can get their message across. You see the message in action, cause and effect, and the morality of the tale in its conclusion. Read more »

Well one breath test down, three to go.

It started okay. I had to drink a cup of solution that had a slight sweet taste to it. Then breathe into a meter like what the cops use to test drivers. Then repeat that every 30 minutes.

This first test was optional - to determine if Hydrogen was a good metric to use or whether Methane was better. Most people are fine with Hydrogen. Turns out I was one of the ones that was not so my future tests need to detect my methane levels. And, unlike the breathalizer, I have to breathe into a bag.

I asked if it was ... non-orally collected ... and the tech said, with a straight face, no.

The solution had a mild laxative effect and the tech said it would likely take two hours to manifest. He was wrong. It took two hours and a minute. Sharp diarrhea like cramping but with nothing to pass - however I was worried about an occurrence of the dreaded shart, especially as I was not packing spare underdaks. Read more »

I was perusing the Wash Post forum tied to the story on Obama standing up for the Bill of Rights when I saw this little number posted from a half-wit calling himself Uncle Buck.

Muslims who want to live under Islamic Sharia law were told on Wednesday
to get out of Australia, as the government targeted radicals in a bid to
head off potential terror attacks. A day after a group of mainstream
Muslim leaders pledged loyalty to Australia and her Queen at a special
meeting with Prime Minister John Howard, he and his Ministers made it
clear that extremists would face a crackdown. Treasurer Peter Costello,
seen as heir apparent to Howard, hinted that some radical clerics could Read more »

I'll admit that David Marr of Fairfax likely leans left. However unlike Bolt, Akerman, Albrechtsen, Sheehan et al, Marr still deserves the title of a journalist in that he reports, interviews people, and presents arguments or articles that are couched in the factual not the ideological. It's one of the differences in Australia between the reality based leans left and the often deranged just fruit batty right in the Australian media landscape.

However Marr can also be a marvellously acidic writer who can paint a picture of fucktards being fucktards better than most.

So to that end check out Marr's take on the Liberal campaign launch. Read more »

Why is it that on the rare occasions I "run" I end up wearing odd garment choices?

As noted previously the other day I went for a run. A sort of ambling pathetic run that stretched the definition of the word 'run' almost to breaking point. My chosen attire? Jumper, scarf knotted like a bowtie, beanies and gloves.

It was not a good look for someone attempting to do a bit of deek work* around the local path systems.

Recently theWife's mobile phone died. Optus (shakes fist) had an insurance plan that theWife had signed up to for replacing a broken phone. She tried to activate the process. Was it that simple? No, it was not. She had to mail them the phone and allow two weeks for them to assess it for repair then another week for the repair.

We had no spare handsets. Read more »

Finally cleaned it off with an updated malware cleaner. Man, it is so good having a desktop and a laptop so you can support the other when these evil pricks get at your computer.

Fucking mongrels.

PS Big ups to Mike for the links

I got home and found our desktop was infected by the above.

Fuck I hate the sort of people that do this. What a pack of mongrel chunts.

Luckily I still had a virus cleaning piece of software on a thumbie and it's scanning the DT now.

Grr. So pissed off!

On the way into work today, as I reached the doors, out came Backy McStab - a former supervisor so named because she agreed to be a referee for my dream job then proceeded to tell the panel I was pond scum.

We passed each other. No flicker of recognition. It's been that way since I moved into the building and her increpid* team moved outside my area's door.

As the doors parted to let me in, I stuck up my hand and gave her the backwards finger.

Childish, yes. Satisfying also.

*I made up a word. Take that Sarah Palin!

On my way into work I was listening to news radio on ABC. Unfortunately the incredibly long sports component came on so I flipped to 666, the local ABC station here in Canberra.

From 830 onward 666 has a talk radio component. I dislike talk radio for the most part because I find their callers synonymous with the sort of retired older Australian mindset that supports the ilk of Alan Jones and Neil Mitchell (right wing semi-shock jocks to those not in the know). But today I listened.

And on the radio was Sheryl Moon of the Australian Association of Convenience Stores. She was talking about plain packaging of cigs. That it was bad. That it was an impost on the little battler store because of the way they had to be stored, stocked, and most importantly how it slightly increased the transaction time.

Time is money people! Read more »

I am the nominated OH&S rep for my area. Mostly it just involves reporting broken stuff as I notice it. However there may be stuff broken that I am unaware of being broken. So today I sent an email to my area reminding peeps to let me know.

And bless their socks they responded with notes on stuff that was broken. Well, one person did. It turns out the ladies' loo was dank and dark as well.

****

Dear Inhabitants of Sector 7G,

As many are probably unaware I am the go to person for OH&S. In that I hold the file and have knowledge of such things.

I am also skilled at dealing with the whole reporting of things that need fixing so if there's an OH&S issue in the building let me know the details and I will report it. This includes broken furniture*.
Read more »

TheNoo is on a 'no, I'm not theNoo, I'm, NewName!' kick of late. He won't answer to his name and he gets frustrated if you call him by it.

Lately his pseudonyms have been...

Alex (the Alex) - from Madagascar

Woody - from Toy Story

Horton Hears a Who - from Horton Hears a Who

And

Mermaid - from his Megabloks Pirate Ship (from Casso + M)

As for me, when he's a Mermaid I'm the parrot.

One little monkey sitting in a tree ,

Teasing Mr Crocodile you can't catch me ,

Along came Mr Crocodile as quiet as can be,

and snap went he.

When I am on pick up for the noo I like to sneak in and watch him playing. Eventually he twigs I am there and usually gives a great shout of joy, runs over, and ... asks where mum is.

Today he was with the other kidlets gathered in front of the couch. The 20 nothing child care worker was leading them in singing with the above song. Read more »

I got a rap today. Not praise rap, doosh doosh. But bad Mikey.

It was a pre-six month performance agreement meeting. My leave got a mention in the bad way due to bouts of late starts and a deficit in my flex leave bank. I also copped a 'I had to re-do some of your work' comment cos I'd let some shoddy reports go through.

Well I felt like shit. Mainly cos it was new boss having to deliver it. It's fair enough too. I have had issues with attendence - actually I always have. I don't think I've ever had more than 10 days sick leave in the bank in the decade plus time I've been a public servant. I get sick, I have time off. I may even have to get a case officer to help manage my illness. Though I can't think of what they could do that I am not doing already. Read more »

I've had ups and downs these past two years, and am still on anti-depressants - mostly as part of pain management - but I've noticed I'm blogging more and reading people's blogs more. I think that's a sign I'm maybe feeling a bit better. Like taking an interest instead of simply feeling 'meh' and wanting to blob like a Dali clock.

And I've got my foot picking down to just nail removal and working on the skin where my big toe meets my foot. See, that's an improvement.

On the be more positive course I went on there was a lot of group / personal reveal moments. One of them was 'tell us a strength you have.'

I was struggling to come up with one. Finally I volunteered computer skills in that I am slightly more advanced than a typical white collar worker. Read more »

Recently we did a course where we learned to come from a positive viewpoint in how we related to business. It was kewl. One of the things to be positive was to ask 'and how are you feeling?' at the start of gatherings. The idea being you would share when you're up and down and basically feel like people are taking an interest.

So we did that today.

'And Mikey, how are you feeling?'

'Gassy'.

Apparently telling the truth when it has a fecal tinge is not viewed as positive sharing.

I don't see why ... they will share it whether they like it or not. Read more »

T was born to our good friends L & N & S the other day. Blessings upon his new life!

He certainly picked a pair of awesome parents to be raised by. For they areth the shizzle.

Some life advice from HM for you.

Don't use ear candles.

Don't go chasing waterfalls. They're slippery and dangerous.

Somedays will be bad. Others will downright suck. But the good days beat will beat them hands down.

At home one of my main wrangling jobs of theNoo is before bedtime reading. He gets the single sofa chair and I get the robust hand-me-down red kindy chair. He selects up to four books to be read then it's off to bed.

When he was a baby in a cot I'd read to him at night before he went to sleep. To make it interesting I'd do accents - French, Irish, South African, and celebrities - William Shatner, Patrick Stewart etc. He was a baby so he couldn't protest my choice of how I read him his tales.

He can now. He can and does.

I ask if I can read it in 'insert voice style here'. 'No!' he shrieks. 'No (insert voice style here)!' He then leans his melon against my face and says 'Read poppley'.

Sometimes I will go into voice style mid-way cos it's funny when he realises I voided the pact and he yells at me 'No! Read POPPLEY!' Read more »

The very best writers are those where when you read their books you don't realise you're reading.

It's a tough act to pull off and Bill Bryson is one of the few authors who can do it.

At Home: a short history of Private Life is Bryson's examination of how day-to-day life in the west came to be and how our homes became what they are. From the number of tines on a fork, to why the fork was used, to how houses were made, how the industrial revolution changed the way we lived, how bathing went from never to daily, and how a room's function morphed and changed over time to what they are today. Indeed the book's structure goes from room to room of Bryson's own home, explaining its specific history then goes into the broader history of that type of room itself, including the typical contents found there - with furniture and fittings also covered. Read more »

While on the the toilet...

I really like to crap by dim light. Makes me feel like I am in a nightclub. Stall needs a mirror ball!

Don't you hate when you have a dag and have to jiggle it off? If cubicle's a rockin' don't come a knockin' !

Guys at a trough urinal. If is metal dry, do you skip side to side to make it all wet?

There's this myth or legend or what have you that Persian weavers, who in ancient times were the masters of the art of carpet weaving, would deliberately put a wrong stitch in their work. The idea was that they should not dare to challenge perfection by creating a perfect work because only God was perfect.

I wish my mistakes were deliberate. Then I wouldn't have made them.

I signed off on a report the other day some two months in the making. Thousands of copies were printed. Inevitably there will be an error. Sometimes humorous. Sometimes very minor. Sometimes quite big.

This was a big one. A provider had changed there was this entire section on the new provider. Only in the introduction some dated text referring to an old provider as providing a key service was present.

I found out when the old provider called me and asked why they were getting a bunch of calls on it. Read more »

Y'day the place where Master Chefs apparently shop, Coles, had Sare-Lee ice-cream for $6 a tub.

On a whim I got a tub of Ultra-choc.

When I got home I had half a mug full - yes I prefer ice-cream in a mug.

I had to nuke it a bit first to make it gooey to use a spoon on - otherwise you're in danger of Uri Geller-ing your implement if you try and dig it out.

This made the remains of the Ultra-Choc freeze in a gooey appearing state.

Today I managed a motion.

It looked exactly like my Ultra-Choc of the night before.

Thanks for nothing Sare-Lee!

I was supposed to have my first breath test today.

However I forgot about it until 6am when I woke up with a start and consequently had fucked up on the fasting requirements of the day before. So now I have to travel across the length of the ACT to report in and be told 'no test for you' and re-book.

Oh but that is not all, oh no, that's is not all.

The tests could only be conducted four weeks after I became Mikey two-snakes. Hence the delay in getting to the breathy peeps. As I was reading the test preparation notes - and my fuck up of the day before fast - I noticed there was a dot point on the 'four weeks before cease and desist' that was relevant.

No taking dietary supplements of the stomach bacterial kind. The very kind I take faithfully every day. When I booked in they didn't tell me about it - but then they also said to check the site. But I didn't think to check the site until just now and saw it. Read more »

So the Federal election is for 21 August.

For those that have moved since last time don't forget to make sure you're enrolled.

Go to www.aec.gov.au to check. IT CLOSES 8pm MONDAY 19 JULY

To be honest I'm a bit meh about it all. Last time, after 11 years of the H-Man, koo-koo ka choo, I was excited to see the back of him. But now ... well ... maybe it's just me feeling meh but I feel meh about it so far. Read more »

I share too much. Not stuff, though I like to think I will share stuff where it's appropriate to do so. No, I share too much of what I do in the embarrassment department.

The other day, freshly able to dry fart but still suffering unusual tinge of fecal reek, I dry farted.

At my desk.

The putrid stench wafted upward. Fortunately the corral was just populated by me when it happened - but they were coming back.

I rapidly decamped and went around to the other side of the workstation horseshoe unless the smell wafted away.

The lads on the other side are more ... well ... earthy. I like to think normal. They asked what I was doing lurking in their area.

So I told them.

They laughed. Now whenever I'm around their side they ask if I am escaping a noxious emission. Read more »

A while back we went to an aquarium. During our visit we bought a pack of plastic sharks for the noodles man.

I remember walking back along the nearby boardwalk - a shark nestled in my top pocket as we'd opened the packet and given him a few to play with - and I just started singing.

'There's a shark on my nipple and it's giving it a squeeze, giving it a squeeze, giving it a squeeze. There's a shark on my nipple and it's giving it a squeeze ... in the most delightful way...'

Good times.

Recently a bunch of the sharks entered the Thunderdome that is the Noodles watery play pen.

The bath. Read more »

Harvey Pekar died.

Check out his obit at the washpost here.

Harvey was a blogger. He was a blogger before there was a web. He just did it in comic form. Or essay form.

I think this bit of the obit sums it up best.

The largely autobiographical comic series portrayed Mr. Pekar -- inevitably dressed in a flannel shirt and corduroy pants -- as a rumpled, depressed filing clerk in a Veterans Administration hospital. He filled the stories with wry observations about his frustrations with work and human relationships and what Mr. Pekar called "the 99 percent of life that nobody ever writes about." Read more »

At last my odyssey is over. I can proudly play the arse trumpet and only expect ringing loud noises from my brassy arse-bell instead of a squelch meets a warm brownish near-liquid.

There were, however, a couple of false starts.

I'd say the eye of this storm happened late Saturday morning when I crawled into the big-bed, assuring the other occupant the worst was over, and planning on catching up on sleep. Within 30 seconds of inhabitation the worst event of all occurred. So bad in fact theWife had to feed me a plastic bag through the crack of the toilet door so I could dispose of the affected clothing for good after ensuring safe removal ala level one decontamination procedures.

There was no way those boys were making it back on the rotation team.

But I've successfully vuvuzel'ed a few times tonight without the viscous "after-taste" and I can now declare this case-closed. Read more »

Chiropractors encounter a fair amount of whiffery in their work. Either passive such as bad breath from a punter - I always brush my teeth before I go if I have the opportunity - or body odor, or active because of their manipulation. When you're bending people back and forth it tends to have a bellows effect on the old innards.

So there's this manuever where they drop you on your side and push one of your legs up. They then knee down on your thigh.

Yeah.

Currently I'm still suffering the sharts.

So when that was done that caused movement at the station ... and I did a dot of a shart.

I had to pause the treatment to dash to the loo. By dash I mean the butt clench hold it in fast waddle.

Luckily I made it.

WHHHHOOOOSSSSSSHHHHH Read more »